My Last Year

I started this blog almost a year ago really with one purpose: to write about the personal and professional impact of my brother-in-law's death on me. And while I still won't share the story of what happened or the days that followed, I'd like to talk about how the year has been.

My brother-in-law Ryan chose to end his life last February. Ryan and I went to high school together and shared a lot of the same interests--computers, Star Trek, hobby games, and other nerdy stuff. Ryan would often joke that we were friends before my wife and I got together. I spoke at Ryan's memorial and commented on how Ryan and I didn't have to try to be brothers, that it just happened for us. I think about my friend and miss him every day.

Meghan was incredibly close to Ryan, the closest I'd ever seen a brother and sister. His loss was devastating to my wife. I had never seen Meghan in such a dark and lonely place. She went to counseling and adjusted aspects of her lifestyle. She's had a turbulent year and I've tried to support her the best that I know how.

I responded to the 911 call with the fire department and saw Ryan. Following that day, I questioned whether or not to stay involved with EMS and the fire service. I took two weeks off of work and my paramedic internship to be with my wife and family. I spoke with friends at the fire department who shared similar experiences. I wondered if my life had changed forever. I returned to work and I remember the first 911 call I responded to and the panic attack that ensued. I worried about my ability to continue working as an EMT.

Meghan and I have put up with a very tough year. I think that I've accepted Ryan's passing more completely than my wife has. I have a firm belief that Meghan and I will see Ryan again, but I have only a few years of memories with Ryan and my wife has a whole lifetime. I can't count the number of times that Meghan has cried herself to sleep. We've tried to make a lot of positive changes this year, including buying a house and getting two dogs. We've attempted to move forward, but not to forget. I've become so much closer to Meghan's family because of all of this.

The pain of Ryan's passing has lessened, but it's not gone. I've learned to disassociate how Ryan died with the fact the he's gone, and that's made it easier for me, allowed me to continue working. I took Ryan to Portland by ambulance a few years ago for an appendicitis, and I still have a picture of him on the gurney on my cell phone. I look at that quite often to remind myself of the friend I've lost. Ryan's reasons and motivations are his own, I won't have the answers in this life and I have some comfort in understanding that. It's just a year later, my wife and I still miss our friend.